Most people want to be the sun that brightens up your life.

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2008-11-30T17:57:05Z

So i tore tendons in my ankle, hurts worse than a freaking break. My power cable is broken for my laptop and im having major lj withdrawals. Not a happy girl :(

Oh yeah...

2008-09-24T10:53:11Z

Oh I just realised that I also get excited when I get an email. That is the point my life is at right now, I get excited over email because I always hope that it is a comment or something else from someone that I can reply to.

Sometimes it just hits me in the face how fucking lame and nerdy I am. Good Lord. Good thing I have some social graces otherwise I would be fucked.

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2008-09-24T09:07:37Z

Ugh, i need to be up in like five hours and cannot fall asleep for the life of me. Im in a weird funk, i need to clear my head or something.

Oh Lord, someone needs to be hit in the head with a hammer.

2008-09-24T05:25:12Z

belated birthday

2008-09-20T11:38:38Z

Happy one day late birthday to cgallivan. Sorry it's late, but it still comes from the heart.

a necessity in life

2008-09-10T19:29:03Z

So sometime this month I have to go to San Diego and pick up Danika's ashes because they can only hold them for 90 days. I don't want to, but it's something that needs to be done.

Most people would have figured that I would have wanted her ashes by now and for me getting her ashes just makes everything so final. So devastating. It will be like how I have her social security card sitting on a bookshelf in another room, or how I keep getting baby related things in the mail. I'm supposed to have a week old daughter right now, I'm not supposed to be going to San Diego and picking up ashes of a daughter I lost before I really even got a chance to say hello.

Everyone thinks that I am so strong and on the inside I am falling to pieces. There is this song by Taylor Swift, called Tied Together With a Smile that I am going to post the lyrics to because I relate so much to it. One of my best friends sent it to me because she knows that I put on a smile while inside I am slowly losing it. She also told me to really listen to, read what have you the first verse because it exactly says how I feel about myself. I appear strong but I'm so not. Good days. Bad days. Today is one of the bad days and I wish that I was I wasn't at home crying by myself.

"Tied Together With A Smile"

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

[Chorus:]

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

[Repeat Chorus]

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

The full story of life and death in a mere 19 days

2008-08-25T01:39:48Z

I know that some of you know the details of what happened with Danika, I have been giving snippets here and there, but what follows is the full story from the morning I woke up and knew that I was going into labor until the day that she passed away.

It was the morning of May 7th, and I woke up with back pain that the strongest of medications wasn't even touching and I was occasionally feeling what I was thinking to be contractions. I had never gone through contractions before, but what was happening is what I figured they would be feeling like. For about a half hour I thought about what I was going to do. I had to decide if I was going to tell my nurse what was happening or if I was going to attempt to hide it for just two more days. I wanted Danika to make it to 24 weeks and I was willing to sacrifice my life in order to get her to the age that gave her greater odds of survival, since every day that she stayed inside gave her that much more hope, that much greater chance of survival. After going back and forth in my head about this, I decided to err on the side of better judgment and tell the nurse what was happening.

I told the nurse, who called the attending, who poked at my uterus, it was tender and sore so told me that I had started to go septic. They called a lab tech to come up and take blood to check my white cell count and less than an hour later it was confirmed that I was going septic and today was going to be the day that I had been dreading. I was going to be delivering. I had no say in the matter. I called John to tell him what was happening and to tell him that he needed to get on a plane back to San Diego, he called one of my best friends Dan and asked Dan to come sit with me until John got into town. Dan got to the hospital shortly after 10am, and by this time I realise that it would have been impossible for me to hide what was going on for two more days because I was having contractions every half hour or so, and it felt like my body was being ripped in half.

Dan and I tried our hardest to stay calm, I was off and on the phone with John while he booked a plane ticket and at some point I think it was either me or John that called my dad to tell him what was happening. I had spoken to Johns mom in the morning and through tears and gasps of air I told her what was happening, Danika was going to make her way into the world today. Dan did an amazing job of keeping me calm and would hold my had through the hard parts and kept me laughing during the easier parts. If Dan had not been there, I'm not really sure what I would have done.

Shortly after they got back my lab results and as the contractions started getting more frequent, they decided that it was time to move me down from the antepardom ward down to labor and delivery and get me set up to get an epidural and get set up to start getting the pictocin to start the contractions. During this time I found out that John was going to be getting in around 2:30 and my dad was going to be leaving work. They moved me down to the labor and delivery ward and Dan did what he does best, he kept me laughing despite the fact that I felt my entire world was crashing down around me. Dan offered to go pick up John from the airport and about the time that Dan left, my dad got there and was freaking out. I love my dad, but he didn't help the situation any.

I told the nurse that I wanted pain control and I wanted it now, because I felt like I was being ripped in half with each contraction and they were becoming more and more frequent even without getting the medication to induce me yet. It was happening on it's own, I had no choice. Just about the time that Dan left to go get John is when the doctors came in to do my epidural. When they were getting that set up, the IV that I had in my left arm had infused, so they needed to put in another IV to administer the pictocin and any other medications I may need. Here is where a problem came in, I have hypotension and tiny veins, so getting an IV in me proves to be extremely difficult. I had nurses poking me multiple times in each arm in an attempt to get an IV in me, each time they failed made it that much harder for them to try again and it was stressing me out which was causing my heart rate and Danikas heart rates to go into scary ranges.

Finally they are ready to get the epidural in me and instead of having an attending putting the epidural in, they had a resident working on me. I understand that UCSD medical center is a teaching hospital, but having a resident working on someone who is going septic and they are showing that there is fetal distress is not the right thing to do. Anyway, the resident attempted to get the epidural in me. Six times. One time she hit a bone, she was going through muscle and ligaments and stuff that HURT when they are being poked with the giant epidural needle. This was the only part of my entire labor and delivery that I was actually screaming, because every time they pulled the needle out and stuck it back in again I felt like I was either going to pass out or hit someone. I flinched really bad when she hit one of my bones and they yelled at me that I can't flinch when they are working that close to my spinal cord and I told them that if they weren't hitting bones then I wouldn't be screaming and flinching. John got to the hospital around 3:00, and walked in during this all happening. The nurse that was working on my left arm finally got an IV in. The attending finally pulled the resident off of me and a minute later my epidural was in and being taped to my back. I was terrified that I was going to move in bed wrong and pull out the catheter, but it was taped extremely well. Thank God.

Once the epidural was in and the IV was in and I got settled, my dad and Dan joined John and I in the room as they started giving me the medication for the epidural. At first the dose they gave me didn't work so they had to come back and give me a bigger dose. About a minute and a half after they gave me the second huge dose I was looking at the guys and told them that I didn't feel good. I told them that I felt like I was going to puke and that I needed the nurse. From talking to my dad, John and Dan they said that when I said this, I went from being my normal color to grey to blue in a matter of seconds. I was crashing. They ran in and took my blood pressure and it was 35/20. My heart rate was dropping and Danikas heart rate was dropping, I was dying. They ran in and pushed a bunch of epinephrine into my IV to get my heart rate and blood pressure back up and for a few minutes it was very touch and go. They were discussing if they should just do an emergency c-section or if they should continue to try to have me have a natural birth. The decision was made to continue on the course of the pictocin and see how Danika and I did with it. About 5:30pm they started me on the pictocin and within a few minutes I started getting stronger contractions. Slowly the first dose of medication they gave me in my epidural started wearing off and I was feeling every contraction, every couple of minutes. With each contraction, my blood pressure would lower to an unsafe range and Danika would show that she was in distress.

At 7:30 they took me off the pictocin and said they were trying to decide if they were going to do a c-section. They kept running in with an ultra sound machine to check on Danika because they kept losing her heart rate and my blood pressure was constantly at a very low, very unsafe level. I finally told the nurse that I needed more medication in my epidural because what they were giving me just wasn't cutting it. I was crying because I felt so bad, I kept telling them that every contraction I was hurting her and I wasn't even trying to. I felt so guilty that I was hurting her. The doctors came back in and gave me another huge dose of the epidural medication and we went through the process of having to give me epinephrine again to keep my heart rate and blood pressure up. A few minutes later the bottom half of my body was completely numb, so I was no longer feeling the contractions but I know that they were still happening because they kept losing Danikas heart rate. Once I was numb I was really tired and was having a hard time staying awake, this was all around 10pm or so.

About 10:10 they ran in again with the ultrasound machine because they had completely lost Danika. The doctors decided to check to see how dilated I was, and I was at 5cm, which is all I needed to be, so it was go time. They handed John this suit to put on and all the stuff to cover up with because I was going to be delivering in an operating room in case something went wrong and they needed to do surgery. I started to freak out, and then I started to shiver and my heart rate kept dropping once I was in the OR. They told me to move myself from the labor bed to the operating table, with my body half numb, but I needed to make sure that I didn't push at all. I started crying and told them that I couldn't do that. I had no strength. I was ready to give up.

Somehow I managed to get onto the operating table and I started freaking out because I thought that I was going to fall off and I was freezing. My hands were like ice because of what was going on with my blood pressure. I think once I was in the operating room there was one more discussion of whether or not they wanted to do a c-section and they decided that I didn't need a c-section. So they got me ready to push.

They told me to push, I pushed and Danika came out in one push. Danika had arrived into the world at 10:32 pm, and just as quickly as she was born she was swept away by the NICU doctors. I continued to lay on the operating table while they tried to get my placenta to detach. After pushing on me and doing various other things, they told me they had gotten 90% of it out and that the other 10% should pass on it's own. There were doctors in the OR talking about how they could tell from just looking at my placenta that it was infected and that they were going to be passing samples of it to this doctor who is the leader in researching placenta related things. In the morning I had been started on the strongest antibiotics that they could give me at the time and they told me that I was going to be in the hospital for a while longer to finish the course of antibiotics to fight off the sepsis.

About midnight I finally emerged from the operating room and was moved back to the labor room I had been in earlier and was greeted by my dad and Dan. Texts and calls were being placed to family and friends to let everyone know that she had been born and that she was doing well, all things considered. A little bit after I got back the NICU doctors and the OB doctors came in to talk to me. John was allowed to go see Danika and take pictures of her, I was told that I could see her as soon as I could stand up, walk and go to the bathroom. That was what was required of me in order to be moved back to the ward I was in before. The NICU doctors told us that Danika had a few major hurdles to handle and that if she was able to make it past them then she had a greater chance of survival. Her major hurdles were 24 hours, 72 hours and 2 weeks.

When she came out she was trying to breathe and trying to cry and she was kicking and moving around. I felt her kick my leg before they took her. They came back a few minutes later to show us the umbilical cord that had a perfect knot in it and tell us that she had been intubated and was doing well.

Now it was time to rest until the epidural wore off so I could stand and go to the bathroom. About 1am I was able to do that, while not completely stable on my feet, I was able to get up and walk which amazed the doctors. I kept telling the nurse I wanted to go to the NICU to meet my daughter and I was told that I would be wheeled there on the way to my room in the ward upstairs. John came back and showed me pictures of her and all I could really do was cry was because she was so small. She wasn't ready to come out into the world yet, I felt like I had let her down. Dan and my dad left for a little bit to get something to eat since the cafe was open until 2am.

Finally around 4am I was wheeled to the NICU to meet my daughter for the first time. I cried because she was so small. I cried because she was so beautiful. I cried because she was a little miracle that was defying odds. I cried because for the first time in my life I understood complete and unconditional love that happened in an instant. I cried because I couldn't hold her and I couldn't give her the kiss I wanted to. I cried because I became a mother 16 weeks early and I was completely overwhelmed. I can't remember if Dan got to meet her that night or not. I know he met her at one point when he brought me a quilt from his church for her isolator, but I was started to get delirious.

After Danika and I met, I was moved back up to the room where I had been earlier in the day, seeing all the same nurses that I had seen for the past few weeks that I was in the hospital. After I got settled I said bye to Dan and thanked him for being so amazing my time of need. I said bye to my dad and said goodnight to John. I had to keep asking for pain medication because my back was all kinds of screwed up because of them messing my epidural up. I could barely stand. I could barely walk.

The next morning I wanted to see Danika as soon as I woke up, so I got myself ready and I was wheeled down to see her. While I was standing next to her isolator I started getting light headed and almost passed out so I was told that I needed to go back up to my room. But Danika was doing fabulous. She was breathing on her own, she was breathing room air. She was getting medication because her blood pressure was low and she had a couple of blood transfusions. They had put an IV in her and she had an umbilical line for various things that they were giving her. She was under photo therapy lights because she had jaundice, but overall she was doing good. I was told to go rest and come back and see her later.

I was in the hospital for a week after she was born fighting off the sepsis. I spent my first mothers day in the hospital. I went to see her when I was allowed, though I never really stayed more than an hour or so because the NICU freaked me out and the longer I was there the more and more anxious I would get and I would end up having a panic attack when I left.

When she was around 4 days old I had gone to visit her and not called first and walked in on a group of doctors all standing around her with like four or five nurses. Danika had decided to pull out her IV and PIC line, so they were trying to decide what to do to give her the medication to keep her blood pressure up, so they decided to give her steroids via her umbilical line. They were going to wait a day to let her skin mature just a little bit more, because every time they touched her or held onto her skin too long it would start to break down because it's not mature enough to be touched yet.

For the most part she did fabulous. She was the talk of the hospital and the doctors were all amazed at how well she was doing. Once she reached two weeks I calmed down some and was prepared to spend the next five months in SD while she matured in the hospital enough to the point where she could be taken home.

Then day 18 rolled around. Danika's blood pressure kept lowering and they had to keep giving her more and more medication to keep it up. The NICU doctor that was on for that night had set up camp next to her to keep and eye on her. John and I set up camp and Sat there with her from 8pm on. I started to panic every time her heart rate and blood pressure would lower and by 2am I was in a full on, needing medical attention panic attack. All I could do was sit there and cry and pray that she made it through the night. Around 3am the NICU doctor told me to go to the ER because of the panic attack and I was taken right in because they had called the ER ahead of time to let them know I was coming down. I got a shot of something to calm me down and I headed back up to the NICU. Around 4:30am Danika was stable and hadn't had any incidents of crashing in the last hour, so I had faith that she was stabilizing and had just had a rough night. John and I decided to go back to my dads to get a couple hours of sleep and we would be back at the hospital around 8am to be back by her side. They offered us a family room that had a bed in it so we could be close by, but I said that she was going to be fine and that we would be back in the morning.

We woke up in the morning around 8:30 and noticed that we both had voice mails but we didn't have any missed calls. So John checked his voice mail. He started crying. I knew that Danika had passed away. I started crying and freaking out. John took my phone and erased all of the voice messages that were left for me because he knew I wouldn't be able to handle hearing them.

Danika had passed away at 6:33am, just a mere hour and a half after we left her. I was mad at myself for not staying in the family room. I think that she was holding on until we left because she didn't want to see our pain as she passed away. Her blood pressure kept lowering and there was nothing they could do for her, she passed away peacefully and not in any sort of pain. They gave her morphine when she kept crashing to calm her down. Her little body couldn't handle the world any more. I know that it wasn't because her spirit gave up, because even though she was tiny she had attitude. She would scrunch her entire forehead up to open her eyes when we would talk to her and she would squeeze our fingers when we spoke to her. She had plenty of spirit, her body just put too much effort into surviving the first two weeks that it couldn't handle going on any longer.

We had a memorial for her at my church in Poway. Johns mom and dad flew down from Minnesota and his sister and her husband came out to see us. Since then my life has been in a fog and I know it has to do with the medication I am taking. Danika's due date is coming up next weekend and I am choosing to remain in the fog for the next week and once I get past her due date I am going to come off the medication and get to a therapist and face the demons that have come out of this.

I know that everything happens for a reason, it's just hard for me to understand why this happened when it did. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent it, it wasn't my fault. Maybe Danika wasn't supposed to be here yet, maybe her passing was an act of mercy rather than malice. In any case I know that she is in good hands now, she was loved and continues to be loved more than life it's self and will forever be remembered. She changed my life as well as many other peoples lives and in the end of it all ended up being a miracle and blessing.

Someday I will have another child and that child will get all of the love that I can't give Danika. I know that one day I will make a wonderful mother, I did everything that I could in the short time I was given with her. I loved her more than I knew was possible and even though I don't always feel it, I proved to myself that I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible. I am a fighter. I've proven that. I will always have faith that my season will change and eventually I will be able to celebrate her life.

i_am_heidi @ 2008-07-21T04:35:00

2008-07-21T11:35:40Z

a lolz i found in my photobucket account that i totally forgot i had.

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2008-07-21T07:59:27Z

So im lying in bed and tonight i am missing danika so much i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I almost made it a week without crying. Almost.

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2008-07-19T18:08:37Z

So im back in phoenix, with no new tattoo or piercing but i did make new friends and a possible concussion, going to the hospital now.

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2008-07-19T00:42:40Z

I feel like i got the shit kicked out of me from how many times i fell yesterday. No more drinking for me for a while

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2008-07-18T18:22:28Z

Waking up and having my hair stink like puke is not a good thing. Me thinks i had too much to drink last night. Going to take a shower now.

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2008-07-17T22:59:53Z

Ok yay, things are sorted and christy and i are on our way to tucson. Wendy im going to call you if we get lost fyi :) ill let everyone know once we are settled

oh my

2008-07-17T11:53:44Z

it's nearly 5 in the morning and i am still awake. i am really stressing about this trip, i feel like some kind of drama is going to happen or something bad is going to happen and its got me worried. i think i am just scared of some sort of drama happening and feelings getting hurt and people being mad at each other or me and i dont want that.

my hand hurts because i have been writing for the last like six hours and apparently i hold the pen pretty tightly because my hand is like cramping.

ugh, there is this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong or going to go wrong. either that or it's hunger because as usual i forgot to eat. i had dinner like ten hours ago. i dont think that its normal to not get hungry. the only time that i ever really got hungry was when i was pregnant and even then i wasnt eating enough. maybe i should start drinking those nutrition shakes again. who knows.

im tired, i think im going to take a xanax and go to sleep. i bet you guys ten to one that i end up waking up in like three hours. either that or the xanax will give me blissful sleep and i will wake up at like noon, you know after getting a whole 7 hours of sleep. ridiculous.

pictures of me, be excited.

2008-07-09T10:29:44Z

I gave up and downloaded semagic to see if I could get it to work this way, since I have been trying for an hour to put pictures behind a cut with regular html codes and apparently I suck ass at html.

Anyway, some of you, if not most of you dont know what I look like, so I'm posting some pictures that John took of me tonight. This is something that makes me nervous because I really consider myself to be quite heinous, so showing myself to random people on the internet is weird, but I'm going to try to be brave and hope that I can get the fucking cut to work because I'm starting to get really annoyed. Oh, and yes, for those of you that noticed, my right eye is half brown, so that's why it looks brown in some of the pictures and in others it looks blueish brown.

EDIT- READ IT!!! Comment bitches. I want to know what people think of these pictures. And I mean bitches in the nicest way possible, like, please comment my nice friends on my friends list.

surprise, surprise

2008-07-07T20:33:37Z

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

i_am_heidi @ 2008-07-06T00:06:00

2008-07-06T07:27:11Z

So I haven't been updating much because I don't have much new to say.

It's like all of my posts are me complaining about what happened with Danika, and It sucks because right now that's pretty much what consumes my life. I don't have a job, so it's not like I have that as a distraction and I don't really care what anyone says, but this is quite possibly the most painful thing that could happen to a person. I'm trying to get better and the harder I try, the worse I feel, it's a weird cycle.

I found out bad news at the doctors on Friday, which I should be used to by now. I'll get into it more later but basically I'm at a huge risk of needed to get a hysterectomy. Especially if I get pregnant again. It's awesome. I gotta love my life sometimes.

I'm evaluating relationships that I have with a couple of people and I'm trying to decide if I can keep them going. There are a couple people that I love, one of them I love more than they really understand, but it's like my love goes unappreciated as does my friendship and I don't really know if I can continue to be friends with people that don't truly appreciate me. Especially when they are people that I love. I hate being in one sided things and I hate knowing that if I did end up walking away from them, it would go pretty much unnoticed. I hate the fact that girls like me are a dime a dozen and that I am pretty much easily replaceable if I think about it. Knowing that breaks my heart just as much as losing Danika does.

I'm really not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I don't listen to coldplay very often, but I came across the lyrics of this song today and it made me cry, I think it spells out how I feel just a little too well.

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

i_am_heidi @ 2008-06-24T14:19:00

2008-06-24T21:20:53Z

Oh yes, I'm also thinking about bringing a suit against the hospital in SD. I'll explain more about that later, but I am looking for a good lawyer that deals with medical malpractice suits.

updates

2008-06-24T21:14:53Z

Surgery went well, except I woke up pissed at the nurse and swearing I was still in SD and kept telling her to stop telling me I was in AZ.

Even though I am sore, I am feeling better. I think that my body is happy they finally got all the crap out of me that killed Danika and almost killed me. You know, the body is amazing and will fight off stuff for months but sometimes it will just give up, I'm so glad that mine was strong enough to go through all of this.

I have a follow up in two weeks and hopefully by this time it will be the end of this whole drama. I miss Danika, but I can't move on with crap that keeps happening. But I no longer cry all day and no longer burst into tears when I see a baby or a pregnant woman, so I think that's an improvement, even if just a small one.

I watched Garden State for the first time this week or late last week and I'm so in love. That movie is so fabulous on so many levels, I wish I could explain them all, but I can't. So many things in the movie are huge to me on a a level that I can't explain to you guys and may never even explain to the person that makes me feel safe.

I've been getting impatient with my life and some of the people in it, and sometimes I sit back and realise that I expect too much from people. Kinda makes me sad to say that, but sometimes I expect someone to be something huge to me and all they really are is someone who is passing through my life, and I will find the reasons why eventually. There are other people that I know for a fact are supposed to be there, and at times we have to fight to make sure we make it and we know that we will if we get the chance, we just have to make sure that we wait it out and that eventually time will give us what we've been waiting for. There are people I refuse to let go, people that I love and make me feel safe, I just have to wait. I've never been good at waiting. People are in for a reason, a season or a lifetime, just have to learn to hold onto the ones that are meant to be there for a lifetime.

But I think I need to quit typing for a while, the computers edge is hitting right where I had an IV or where they took blood or something and it's killing me.

Just letting you guys know I made it through surgery and am feeling better about life.

Plus I'm heading to Christy's soon and I love Christy, so life is good.

a season for everything

2008-06-21T05:44:11Z

So I normally don't post about religion, because I know that a lot of my friends aren't religious or what have you. But most of you know that I do have faith and there are times like today when I look at a bible verse and it just hits me. Totally takes my breath away and makes me feel so much more at peace. Even if you're not religious, I would like you to read it, just because it's from the bible doesn't mean that it doesn't pertain to life.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This verse just made me realise that its ok for me to be sad because there will be a new time for me to be happy. Eventually my season will change. I just want to get to the point where I can celebrate Danikas life instead of mourning the loss of it.

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2008-06-17T03:16:20Z

I am seriously so good at screwing things up. People are mad at me and all i can do is cry all the time because my daughter died. Not how its supposed to be

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2008-06-15T05:10:59Z

i'm a freaking mess. I miss my daughter more than words can say and i keep freaking out on people i love more than anything and they dont know i love them

totally irrelevant

2008-06-04T05:31:49Z

This is totally irrelevant but sometime I wish that someone, sometime would describe me as gorgeous. Don't get me wrong I appreciate pretty and cute and beautiful but just once I want to be considered gorgeous.

Some people have it, some people don't. Maybe I'm not one of those people.

Posted using TxtLJ

2008-05-08T00:25:25Z

So ive got my epidural and am getting medication to induce contractions, send me and the baby good thoughts and pray shes strong enough to make it

Posted using TxtLJ

2008-05-07T16:46:52Z

Contractions started today, im trying to stay calm but its not working. This isnt how its supposed to be.