So sometime this month I have to go to San Diego and pick up Danika's ashes because they can only hold them for 90 days. I don't want to, but it's something that needs to be done.

Most people would have figured that I would have wanted her ashes by now and for me getting her ashes just makes everything so final. So devastating. It will be like how I have her social security card sitting on a bookshelf in another room, or how I keep getting baby related things in the mail. I'm supposed to have a week old daughter right now, I'm not supposed to be going to San Diego and picking up ashes of a daughter I lost before I really even got a chance to say hello.

Everyone thinks that I am so strong and on the inside I am falling to pieces. There is this song by Taylor Swift, called Tied Together With a Smile that I am going to post the lyrics to because I relate so much to it. One of my best friends sent it to me because she knows that I put on a smile while inside I am slowly losing it. She also told me to really listen to, read what have you the first verse because it exactly says how I feel about myself. I appear strong but I'm so not. Good days. Bad days. Today is one of the bad days and I wish that I was I wasn't at home crying by myself.


"Tied Together With A Smile"

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

[Chorus:]

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

[Repeat Chorus]

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

"Scars"

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life